My name is Jonathan Swift. I was born in the year 1720, in Dublin, Ireland. I am a man of many trades, my current pursuit is a Priest. I am a changed man after that night in 1738. What happened that night? Let me explain. That is the night I met my dear Abigail of Frisby.
You see, I had been on a boat for many days. I had been confined to a berth just slightly larger than I. 18 men in total, plus the crew. There was not one matron aboard. I was headed to England to court a woman, to find true love, to settle down. In the wee hours of the morn’, the ship set anchor, and we were finally set free from the “Handcocke.” That is what we named the boat. Unfortunately, I had become quite fond of the hooch, and my belly was empty. Not having much money left, I had to ration what little I had left. As I was dismounting the schooner, I fell and slipped. I immediately went head first into the ice-cold water. Boloney! When I hit the bottom, I felt something hard and jagged. I don’t know if it was my bewildered state, or just me. However, two small, round, silver coin looking doohickey came to the surface with me. They were so beautiful, I wanted to see what was inside of them. Little did I know, those mucky little suckers would be the death of me to open. Ultimately I got one open.
Inside the pod, was the most delicate, scummy, evil-smelling morsel I have ever encountered. As I closed my eyes, and opened my mouth, I just prayed I wouldn’t succumb to this little beast. To my astonishment, it was delectable. I had one more, then another, then another. I felt like a King. Thereafter, I felt a funny feeling in my bosom. My body ached for the touch of a fair maiden.
In the distance, I could see a radiant glow of a brothel. That is where my dear Abigail appeared. She was lavish. She was sumptuous. She was ornate.
As I slipped into my night clothes…
I knew something magnificent was about to happen, and it did. I fell in love with this woman. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted her to carry my fruitful. We have since had three beautiful children, and have been married 40 years. I no longer drink the hooch. I never visited another brothel. I tell my Abby, that was the 4 pounds ever spent. Can you guess what I discovered?